Man in red suit breaks into multiple homes, terrorizes local neighborhood with petty crimes
Just a week ago, seven homes were attacked by a homeless man carrying a garbage bag, whom police believe is breaking and entering through chimneys. The targeted houses experienced minor damage to their roofs, and victims reported that the trespasser stole cookies, carrots and milk, before escaping out the front door. In several of the break-ins, the man also forcibly entered the bedrooms of children, and was reported saying “You’ve been extra naughty this year,” before attempting to stuff coal into their sock drawers. There have been no injuries or casualties.
The suspect has been described as wearing a stained red jacket with fur trim and matching pants. Eyewitness accounts suggest that the man is in his mid sixties, and has a white beard and handlebar mustache. Victims also report the strong odor of cheap liquor accompanying the trespasser. In each case, the suspect purportedly fled the premises on a wooden sled led by nine reindeer. One of the animals was described as having a prominent red nose, which animal specialists suggest may be a severe respiratory infection due to neglect.
The man is being pursued on charges of criminal trespassing, breaking and entering, petty theft and illegal private ownership of exotic animals. Citizens are asked to be alert and to listen for the telltale “Ho ho ho,” that trademarks his criminal escapades.
(This article may or may not be satirical. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!)
